I'm back from my trip. It was alot of fun. Yesterday morning started with me approaching Joe, asking if he had anythin to say. He said he'd already said he was sorry I didn't understand his life so that was all he wanted to say. So I said the fight would continue and left. He came in and I told him how he hurt my feelings and was intimidating. Of course he denied it because he didn't remember any of it. He did finally apologize for anything hurtful he might have said. I slept great in the car because I took tylenol pm and I was so run down and tired from crying the night before. It was a rather quick trip. Only about 5 and a 1/2 hours. It rained almost the whole time but there wasn't ice so that was good.

Got there, visited, I showered, then we went to Outback Steakhouse. We grabbed Starbuck and went for a scenic walk with a bunch of lights. It was really pretty. We walked around and laughed and cuddled up. Then we went back and exchanged one gift (a family tradition) and then watched A Christmas Story. I texted with friends and family here in Indiana. My cousin was disappointed we weren't there because we always go to my grandma's on Christmas Eve and go to church and then dinner at my gmas and open presents. She said it was boring without us. Ha ha. John came in, drunk, and was making us laugh. Thuy was playing her keyboard and John was talking obscenely like usual.

This morning we got up and opened presents. I got some awesome stuff. I had a big Christmas... guess being a good girl pays off. :) I got a Zune, a new coat, some slippers, a makeup bag, a flipbook for my bookshelf, some movies, a barbie doll head thing, undies, and a new Hello Kitty robe gown. I feel lucky and blessed and excited for my goodies! Then I showered and watched Joe play Gears of War 2. Helped Thuy make breakfast. Sat around and laughed at old funny memories. Then we had dinner and took off. It wasn't too bad of a goodbye. I held John longer than I normally would and made sure to tell him to be careful and return home to us safely. Then I hugged him again. Kissed him on the cheeks. Gave him the "I love you" handsign as we left. I guess Thuy was crying as we left. Poor thing.

The trip made me realize how true it is that you learn to love and show love from your family. We were all hugging and kissing each other on the cheek. Joe picked me up this morning. The boys were both rough housing with me and teasing me. Tickling me. John held my hand when we walked in the park and Joe held it in the car on the way home. My mom and I cuddled this morning when we first got up. There were lots of "i love you"s and "i miss you"s. We all have our inside stories and jokes. I've always been a very lovey-dovey, touchy-feely person and seeing my family, I realized that that's where I get it from. Sorry people who must deal with me and my overload of affection!! :) 

I love who I am. I'm glad I can express my emotions so freely even if they sometimes get me in trouble when people don't know how to take them. Lots of my friends got messages about how much I miss and love them but they were mainly people who have said it to me too, so that barrier was broken. I enjoy showing my love and affection for others. It's what makes me who I am.

Anyways, hope you all had a great day with your family and friends and other loved ones. Hope Santa brought you lots of goodies. I hope to see you soon!!!! 

This week... was a bit hectic. I was either sleeping, puking, pooing, gurgling, laying down, shopping, answering the phone, responding to texts, bitching, cooking, or entertaining. It was stressful. Thankfully it ended well. I'm definitely gonna pay for missing time I coulda spent working on stuff. Oh well. That's how it goes I suppose.

Today was good. Was able to visit with Ms. Crow. Lynda, Ben, Rachel, Ryan, and I went to see Zack and Miri. Hilarious!! I didn't expect it to end in a cutesy, romantic comedy way but it was really cute and fun. Ate Scotty's. Went for girl time to the mall to buy some goodies. Watched Parent Trap (the old, good version). Then I cleaned up the party aftermath and did some laundry.

It was good seeing people I hadn't seen in forever. You forget how much you miss someone until you see them. We had a lot of really fun people show up and it was good times. I was able to talk with everyone and catch up on people's lives. The food was delish and my fat ass got completely full. Heorot was good to visit with people further and enjoy some Strongbow.

I witnessed my first racist encounter. I guess that's not true... racism occurs all the time around me. It just wasn't blatant racism. I've never heard someone call another person the n word. It was insane and infuriating and shocking. It's weird to hear anyone say it but really hurtful and disgusting when it's said about someone you love and care about. He's a cool ass dude who doesn't do shit to anyone. He's always had my back and been a good guy. I rarely use "good" and "guy" together but he is one of the few people I've met who is genuine and endearing. I just couldn't believe people are so stupid and ignorant. I mean ya... Creed is ridiculous... but using your redneck voice to shout hateful words from an upstairs building is the epitome of ridiculous.

Boy situations are stupid. Watching Zack and Miri made me think about how much I'd love to have a really good guy around. As a best friend or more. I've never had a guy really treat me right. And that's ridiculous that at 23 I can't say anyone's treated me like a lady. Maybe that's my fault. I'm not sure. I had one guy who treated me good when the mood hit him but it was few and far between. He responded to my calls when it sounded urgent and did let me cry on the phone to him. He took me out and held my hand but only when the other girls ditched him. Idk. It's annoying. I was just telling someone that all girls really want is to be treated like they are important and special. We want to be told we're beautiful, have our face held when we're kissed, hold hands and laugh, told we're missed, have our trash taken out, get little cards, and occassionally cuddled. That's really it. It's not about money, it's about time. You don't need to pour your heart out and confess your innermost secrets. Just give us a glimpse at how you feel about us. Let the wall down a bit. It's about showing you care. It's all those little things. Why's that so hard for men to understand??

This has been a crazy week. I was sick most of it... which sucked because I felt like shit... but was nice because I called off two days and got to stay at home and relax. My computer quit charging so it's hopefully being worked on and fixed as we speak. I had the house to myself for a few hours which was amazing considering there's almost always someone home. Found out some family news that was a bit disturbing but doesn't bother me too much. Came home to see the fam and my beautiful Sophie ( who apparently was humping my mom's arm). And tomorrow I will be seeing some old friends and heading back to Muncie for some more relaxation and hard work.

I had some interesting texts last night from an old friend. Apparently I am missed and need to give someone a second chance... but let's be honest, it'd be more like a 589th chance. Not happening. I know what I want and need and don't. And while I will admit that my actions aren't always the smartest and most well thought out, I haven't had any major "oh no"s.

It's hard when you have someone who knows how to say all the right things and you want so desperately to hear them... but not from that person. The equation looks good but the answer is all wrong. The food smells and looks great but it's nothing you're craving to taste.

I don't know. It sucks when what you want you can't have... and what you can have you don't want. If only I could switch everything around. I'm not used to having to chase what I want. I don't usually have to sell myself like this. I guess that's what makes it hard. We all want to be wanted. But we all want to be wanted by the one we want. And it never happens that way.

All in all, I'm happy. My life isn't perfect. I don't have exactly what I want. But what I've got makes me happy, keeps me pushing forward, and I'm not ready to give that up. Three months ago, I was willing to settle for scraps. Now I'm only enticed by what I want, not what I think I need to have. Life is good.